I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
