I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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