my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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