the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
