At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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