I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
