Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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