Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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