I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I need to sanitize my soul.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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