We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
