you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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