u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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