My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
