I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
