I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
