Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
