New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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