i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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