i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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