Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
