I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
