its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
