Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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