My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
