i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
