dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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