i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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