When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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