I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
