You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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