Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
