you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I want a musical about memes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
