I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize