I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
