doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
tell me about the eggs
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
