u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
