I'm passing your future prison.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
