Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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