As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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