Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize