my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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