I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
