I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
