just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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