Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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