it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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