My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize