Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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