I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
