$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
