Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
