I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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