Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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