I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
