The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
