The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize