drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
